Week 1 Reactions and Distractions

Anyone try that new Pizza Hut pasta? It looks delicious. Too delicious. I doubt the authenticity of that commercial with all the beautiful people at the fancy restaurant getting "tricked" into eating Pizza Hut pasta. They are actors. Or maybe Pizza Hut just made this really good batch and had them eat that. Something doesn't seem right.

Onwards...

- Well, of course the big takeover of today doesn't include the U.S. economy but rather the New England Patriots quarterback situation. In a borderline tragic (and I hate throwing around the word "tragic") injury, megastud Tom Brady looks to be hanging up his cleats for the rest of the season with some sort of ambiguous leg injury. Tomorrow is the MRI, so right now it's all just educated speculation. But it's looking like bad times are ahead for all involved: New England, Old England, Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Jabor Gaffney, Bill Bellichik's fragile pysche, the city of Boston, the thousands of fantasy owners who drafted him, Brady's kid (who might be tricked into thinking he has a normal dad), all those frontrunning morons who only own one replica Tom Brady jersey, and of course, Tom Brady himself.

Just think: in he last two games, the Patriots are a .500 team. In one game, they lose the Super Bowl to a bunch of sad-sack blue runts in heartbreaking fashion. In the next, they lose their best player in the first friggin' quarter. Dark days indeed for the New England region. Ah, this is truly soap operatic. Okay, onto happier things.

- How about Micheal Turner? In yesterday's column I told you to bump him up (see below). Who knew it would turn out to be 220 yards and 2TDs (not including one called back on a questionable penalty call)? Let's not go too crazy, but he has a solid shot to be a top-5 runner in the league this year. That offense is running through him, and with Matt Ryan looking reasonably comfortable, should help Turner be a dominant force. For those of you who snagged him as your RB2, I salute you.

- More success stories from Bump 'Em Up column veterans Brett Favre and Thomas Jones. Favre claimed to only know 75% of the Jets playbook, but that was enough to get him by the pitiful Dolphins. Granted, one of those TD's might as well have been thrown with his eyes closed, but also there were plenty of dropped passes (Coles needs to wake up). Meanwhile Jones utilized those open holes the revamped offensive line so kindly made for him, and looked much more elusive then last year.

- Ronnie Brown looked much better then Ricky Williams

- Speaking of Browns, I don't want any Browns on my fantasy team. When fans boo their own team, their own coach, and then empty the stadium in the fourth quarter, it doesn't say much about how much faith they have in their team. QB controversy only a couple weeks away...

- How many times does he have to tell ya'll: Donovan McNabb doesn't need receivers.

- The St. Louis blues are here to stay. Ugly ugly ugly.

- Kurt Warner didn't rack up the yardage, but as far as time of possession goes, he was an all-pro. Two Arizona drives took up 11 minutes in the third quarter, and one drive in the fourth lasted for an aching 10 minutes. Just goes to show you: mistake free football wins games. And changes channels. Poor Frank Gore and J.T. O'Sullivan played well, but didn't have enough time on the field to put up any real decent numbers.

- Anyone else excited about that new Coen Brothers movie, Burn After Reading? With Brad Pitt and George Clooney and John Malkovich? The commercials look good, and man, I haven't been to the movies in at least six months. I'm serious. I'm just not a spend-8-dollars-to-see-a-movie-type-guy. But there's just something about this one that gets me all jittery inside. It also sems like the type of movie you could bring a girl to, and it might falsely imply that you are witty and know a few things about movies. And books. And burning. How perfect.

- I'm sure most of you witnessed the ending to the Chargers/Panthers game. Jake Delhomme zipped it into the hands of scrub Dante Rosario for the touchdown, annnnnd the crowd goes wild. Fantasy repercussions? Well, Jake can handle himself without Steve Smith, thank you very much. But still not enough to warrant a fantasy start. So don't get your panties all in a wad down there in Carolina. Meanwhile, Philip Rivers looked calm and confident in that near comeback in the second-half. Honestly, I think this loss should fire up a team that still has a very legitimate shot at the Super Bowl. Expect them to rev up the engines against the Broncos next week.

- The Bungals have returned. Chris Perry, though he took most of the carries, looked miserable thanks in part to very confused-looking offensive line. That same O-line ruined Carson Palmer's afternoon as well. And who is this Ocho-Cinco guy?

- Joe Flacco held it down. Mad props.

- If Chris Johnson (left) is still available in your league, then for the love of God, change that.

- Gotta love how the Sainst used Reggie Bush. On the flank. As a tailback. Returning kicks. This kid is not your average running back. As long as the Saints continue to realize this, Bush will shoot up the rankings. And avoid the Bust of the Decade rally cry for another year.

- Hey Matt Forte! My attention returns to you and your applause-worth first game. Yes, I applaud you. Clap clap clap clap.

And on that note... good-night.

Bump 'Em Up

Quarterbacks

Kurt Warner (at 49ers): With Larry Fitz and Boldin making up arguably the best 1,2 receiving tandem, it could be nearly impossible for a quarterback to struggle passing them the ball. Unless you're the teeny-bopping Matt Leinhart. As far as grey geezer quarterbacks go, it's Kurt Warner, and not that other guy, who deserves more attention this year. He'll rack up 300+ yards against the puny Niners defense, and be the Jedi Master to Leinhart's Anakin Skywalker by chucking at least a pair of deep touchdowns. Hell, would it be crazy to start him over Peyton? I think not. Remember when Warner put up 484 yards against the Niners last year? ETC Prediction: 384yds, 3TD, 1INT

Brett Favre (at Mia): Under an intense microscope, Favre should be a solid start. Everybody's favorite attention-grubbing ex-retiree should play well with the added motivation of outperforming Chad Pennington in his new digs. Lucky for Favre, he should have a field day against the weak Dolphins secondary. He's set-up nice chemistry with Jericho Cotchery, and the revamped offensive line should help balance the attack. ETC Prediction: 300yds, 2TD. 2INT

Worth Mentioning: Carson Palmer, Chad Pennington

Running Backs

Michael Turner (vs. Det): In a slugfest of weak teams, the real winner here is going to be Michael Turner. With Matt Ryan still learning the ropes, the Falcons will run the gammot with their new running back. Jerious Norwood ain't a bad flex starter option either if you're in a deeper league. Look for Turner to get a ton of carries anyway. ETC Prediction: 30car, 140yds, 2TD and a couple receptions

Thomas Jones (at Mia): Last year was not the year my fellow Jets fan were hoping for from Mr. Jones. But this year he's gonna to be a big, big star (and I don't how/and I don't know where/blah blah blah). Like Favre, he should benefit from playing against the abyssmal Dolphins defense. In what is becoming a rarity at the running back position, he shouldn't have anyone stealing many carries either. Once the Jets are comfortably winning, Mangini should rely on Jones in the fourth quarter. ETC Prediction: 32car, 150yds, 1TD and a couple receptions

Worth Mentioning: Justin Fargas, Willie Parker

Running Mates

Sarah Palin (vs. Dem): While she may not have much more experience the guy running your local ice rink, people believe in Palin. Her 40 million viewers at the Republican National Committee last week topped Obama's 38 and McCain's 38.5. She should be a solid start next week as the media grows increasingly bored about her daughter's pregnancy. The Democrats sent in 30 lawyers to Alaska to dig up dirt up her, so play her while she's hot.

Worth mentioning: Joe Biden, Joe Lieberman

Wide Receivers

Nate Burleson (at Buf): Somebody has to catch Hasselback's passes. The one looking to benefit the most is first-year Seahawk Nate Burleson, who underperformed for too many years in Minnesota. Until the running back situation is figured out, Seattle should air it out. Start Burleson. ETC Prediction: 8rec, 110yds, 1TD

Greg Jennings (vs. Min): Minnesota passing defense was suspect last year. Their should be an improvement this year, but at the same time, not too much has changed. With Grant hurting tomorrow, look for Aaron Rodgers to air it out to his favorite weapon. ETC Prediction: 7rec, 120yds, 2TD

Worth Mentioning: Eddie Royal, Dwayne Bowe

Tight End

L.J. Smith (vs. Hou): Like Burleson, well, his quarterback has to pass to somebody. ETC Prediction: 6rec, 55yds, 1Td

Worth Mentioning: Owen Daniels, Ben Utecht

Bump 'Em Down

Quarterbacks

Peyton Manning (vs. Chi): That pain in his knee is a pain in the ass for Manning owners. The Bears defense isn't going to make it any better, not with that athletic D-line and Urlacher breathing smoke. And speaking of leg pits: Starting Center Jeff Saturday isn't playing due to his own bum knee. The Bears don't stand a chance to win, but expect Dungy to keep things safe and hand it off to Addai. Don't sit Peyton, but I can name five quarterbacks I'd rather have starting for me in Week 1. ETC Prediction: 18/27, 260yds, 1TD, 1INT

Matt Schuab (@Pit): With absolutely no running game and the likelihood of the Texans playing catch-up, he'll be forced to test the ravenous Steeler secondary all-day. While Matt may put up substatial yardage, it's also likely he'll have plenty of David Carr moments (i.e. Aaron Smith stepping on his face, Polamalu going Mutumbo on the deep balls, etc.) Don't dare even think about starting Ahman Green either. ETC Prediction: 15/32. 230yds, 0TD, 2InT

Worth Mentioning: Jake Delhomme, Jay Cutler

Running Backs

Jamal Lewis (vs. Dal): He's a currently a game-time decision (hamstring). Browns looked ugly in the preseason, and the Cowboys have a solid run defense. Even if Lewis does suit up, a nagging hamstring isn't going to let him get any substantial gains. Unfortunately for Lewis owners, the Browns/Cowboys game isn't until the second wave of games, so make your decision (to sit him) before it's too late. Jason Wright and Jerome Harrison would split the carries if he doesn't make it. ETC Prediction (if he plays): 19 carries, 60yds, 0TD

Ryan Grant (vs. Min): Another runner battling a hamstring injury, but unlike Lewis, Grant will definitely be on the field. Unfortunately for the Packers, the Vikings defense looks stout from head-to-tie. Doesn't help that's playing with an inexperienced quarterback, and the hamstring was sore enough to keep Grant out of practice yesterday. The Packers seem confident he'll handle a full load, but tamper expectations in week one. ETC Prediction: 24 carries, 80yds, 0TD

Worth Mentioning: Darren McFaddon, Julius Jones

Wide Receivers

Torry Holt (at Phi): Double-edged sword spelling Torry Holt's fantasy value this week: He's going up against arguably the best secondary in the NFL, and the Rams defunct offensive line is going to leave Marc Bulger seeing stars instead of open recievers. Holt hasn't exactly been a sexy pick in a few years, but tomorrow should should be downright ugly. ETC Prediction: 4 rec 40yds, 0TD

Lee Evans (vs. Sea): He's never been a consistent fantasy option. Tomorrow shouldn't be one of those days you start him with confidence. While Evans has all the talent in the world, the team around him does not. Expect Marshawn Lynch to mash it all day, while Evans gets chased around by Marcus Trufant for naught. This week, consider him a solid WR3 and below-average WR2. ETC Prediction: 5rec, 40yds, 0TD

Worth Mentioning: Hines Ward, Javon Walker

Defense

Carolina Panthers (at SD): Julius Peppers isn't enough to shut down LT and Co. ETC Predicion: 31pts allowed, 2 sacks, 0INT

Worth Mentioning: Green Bay Packers

Reactions and Distractions

Went to Opening Kickoff yesterday, and despite the perfect weather, witnessed a fairly ugly game in East Rutherford last night.

The Giants at least looked ready to play, but the Redskins? At this point, it'd be surprising to see them win more than 3 games. Jeff Campbell looked like he just rolled out of bed, Santana Moss dropped more balls than he caught, and Clinton Portis just looked pissed. Eventually Zorn's West Coast offense will sink in over in Washington, but don't expect it anytime soon. The Redskins fans sitting in front of me perpetually looked like they were walking in on someone cheating on their girlfriend, and ducked out before the rush of Giants fans taunted them even more. To be honest, I have serious doubts concerning Jason Campbell's future as an NFL quarterback. Just listen to Jim Zorn after the game.

As for the Giants big three of Manning, Jacobs, and Plaxico, things seemed to be clicking. Manning and Plax looked uber-comfortable, but Eli didn' really seem to have a lot of faith in his other recievers. He looked frusrated in the second half and never really got into a rhythm. However, If Plaxico stays healthy, he could easily put up top-5 numbers (the new contract he signed before the game doesn't hurt).

Oh, and another thing: Brandon Jacobs looks like a rhinoceros. The guy's biceps are bigger than my waist, and that scowl is inappropriate for children. He had more carries then I expected, but with the Giants in control, he was the ideal back to wear out the clock (and the defense). Hopefully you didn't miss that unholy plowing of LaRon Landy.

Also, to update you on the I'm-a-Jets-fan-who-always-goes-to-Giants-games situation, I continued to politely clap for both teams. I stood up when both teams scored. And I wore a neutral shirt that didn't set off any alarms. Next time I might be a little more confident and wear an ambiguous green Polo. We'll see...

Daunte Culpepper: Stickin' It to the Man

My second round draft pick in 2005 has retired. From a fantasy perspective, thank God. From a reality perspective, well, I can't decide if he's whiny baby or maybe onto something. Here's highlights from a nice letter Daunte Culpepper sent out to the press concerning his premature retirement:

...No matter what I did or said, there seemed to be a unified message from teams that I was not welcome to compete for one of the many jobs that were available at the quarterback position... I have been strongly encouraged from family, friends and league personnel to continue to be patient and wait for an inevitable injury to one of the starting quarterbacks in the league. I would rather shut the door to such "opportunity" than continue to wait for one of my fellow quarterbacks to suffer a serious injury... The NFL has become more about power, money and control than passion, competition and the love of the game... I can now focus on the enjoyment of watching some of the greatest athletes in the world play the game I love without the distraction of waiting for those elusive return phone calls.

Thankfully,
Daunte Culpepper

ETC: He'll be back... no doubt about it.

Giantskins

So if you see a talk awkward guy with weird facial hair on the Giant's sideline's tonight, chances are you're looking at Plaxico Burress. But if you happen to notice his white-boy equivalent flicking boogers, well, that's probably me.

I'm actually not a Giants fan, but alas, connections have allowed me the distinct pleasure of attending many a Giants game from the sidelines and front rows. This is always a bit of an awkward predicament. It's like visiting a friend at their college, or moving to Canada. You don't want to be a Negative Nancy in such a position, but at the same time, I've already pledged allegiance to another team (the New York Bretts). Sorry. It's in my blood.

So I politely clap. I make offhand comments to staff members. I obnoxiously text my friends in other parts of the stadium to show them where I am. It's not a bad gig, and I hope to continue attending Giants games in the future. Just know, you're not going to catch me in an Eli jersey anytime soon.

Let's take a quick look at some of the impact players for tonight's NFL kickoff:

Quarterbacks: Jason Campbell has struggled in the preseason picking up Jim Zorn's complicated new offense. Luckily, he'll have extra time to think about it, as the Giant's are obviously missing their two biggest guns on the D-line. Still he won't get very far. (ETC predication: 14/23, 180yds, 0TD, 2INT). Meanwhile, Mr. Eli looked sharp in the preseason, which is meaningless. Luckily, the 'Skins are missing a D-linegun of their own in Jason Taylor, and Shawn Springs is hurting. Giants WR's are hurtin' and that make me nervous. Let's give 'lil bro a somewhat decent game anyway: 19/27, 240yds, 2TD, 1INT, and a fumble lost.

Running back: Should be interesting to see how Coughlin's splits the carries. Brandon Jacobs (ETC: 12 carries, 60yds, 1TD) will get the bulk the of carries, but Ahmed Bradshaw and Derrick Ward should steal enough yardage to prevent him from being a frontline fantasy starter. Personally, if you have a solid backup, I'd wait it out this week to see how the Giants handle things. Meanwhile, Clinton Portis should have a field day. Look for the Redskins to pounds the ball until they get the passing game figured out. (ETC: 25 carries, 125 yards, 1TD).

Wide Recievers: When is Santana Moss going to come around? When is Antwaan Randle El going to come around? It seems like these recievers excel best on other teams. They need a third reciever, and rookie Devin Thomas should provide that help... someday. They'll look for him in the end zone. Meanwhile, Plaxico claims his right ankle his okay, and that the Giants recieving core is dope. They aren't, but he'll burn Shawn Springs for a touchdown tonight.

Defense: They'll both be solid picks. It's early in the season, and both offenses are either inexperienced ('Skins) or hurting (Giants).

Kickers: Props to whoever starts the 44-year old John Carney. Redskins red-zones woes should help Shayne Graham.

ETC Final score: Giants 24, Redskins 16

Tatum Bell: Next stop... Judge Judy?

So let's kick things off with a completely non-Fantasy story (unless of course you're still banking on Detriot Lions running backs). ESPN reported today that Lions newcomer Rudi Johnson has accused the recently departed Tatum Bell of grand theft baggage. Apparently, there is video footage of Bell picking up Johnson's luggage and taking it off the premises, which was shown to a disraught Johnson by team security earlier today.

Johnson is justifiably pissed. "I didn't want to talk to him, but I let him know where I stand," he said. "He knows how I feel about it, and it isn't anything positive."

Bell's alibi is that he picked up the wrong bags, and that he was actually doing a favor for teammate Victor DeGrate. Yeah, right Tatum. We've all heard that one before. There is only place to settle this, and that is the daytime Judge show. People's Court? Judge Joe Brown? Judge Hatchett? Somebody's gotta pick this up.

I'm moving down Rudi Johnson in my rankings, simply for being careless about his belongings.